The Septic Tank

Friday, October 13, 2006

Sienfeld reunion show?

After years of failed negotiations with the original Sienfeld cast, NBC decides to cast new members for the upcoming reunion show.

Previous networks have tried the same with their hit shows but have only found disappointment with ratings and disgust among loyal fans.

I’m a firm believer in “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it” but this new cast is nothing less than stellar! NBC has finally got it right. I think that if NBC was to resurrect the Sienfeld show there would be no disappointments.

“The cast was surprisingly easy to find”, says Hershall Burtanstien (casting – NBC).

“I was in Winnipeg, Manitoba (Canada) to get some halva from my favorite delicatessen and YOWZA, I saw the new George wolfing down halva like it was a block of cheese.”

“Before you know it he invited me to his office because he had a Jewish co-worker that thought he was an anti-Semitic. He wanted to show his co-worker that he had a Jewish friend. All his co-workers had resemblances to the original cast. It was like I struck gold!”

The show is expected to air in spring of 2007.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Is Gigantism back?

Four employees at a local software company have been diagnosed with Gigantism. Is this a coincidence, I think not!

These employees have been working for a company that specializes in cancer fighting equipment that helps shrink tumors by the use of radiation. There is suspect that testing has been done on employees as a cost cutting measure. There is no concrete evidence yet but their families are worried that their loved ones are being used as guinea pigs. All of the employee’s in question have had significant changes to their appearance. Three of the four have experienced traditional forms of Gigantism and one employee named Kurt has had an age reversing affect along with Gigantism.

“I kind of like it, I’m hoping my weeds sprout this time around” - Kurt

Employees prior to being exposed to the suspected radiation:

After years of working for this company:

Health Canada and Manitoba Health are investigating these claims.

The company’s CEO denies any such claims. The CEO would not answer any of our calls but we did receive a response from their public spokes person.

“These software engineers have done this to them selves; rumor has it they frequently use the microwave to heat up their lunches. Microwaves use radiation too.”

The employee’s are in good spirits and still work for this company. “It’s not so bad, I’ve always had a big head”, replies Mr. Houtkooper.

The Scent of a Man

A local hero to some, a local jackass to others. Either way this guy made his dream come true.

While the Dixie Chicks were in town a local man decided to throw his soiled underwear on stage at the Dixie Chicks performance on Saturday August 19, 2006. Not only did the Chicks dig it, they gave them a whiff and invited the fellow to join them on stage for their Sunday show.

“There was something unique to smell of his underwear, it really turned me on. It kind of smelt like roses with a hint of bum juice” – Natalie Maines

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Local man decides against Jihad on Winnipeg; A split from Canada is inevitable

A local man fed up with The City of Winnipeg decides to leave quietly instead of declaring a Jihad against the small municipality located in Manitoba, Canada. Mr. Brian Zudban has bought a piece of property in The Rural Municipality of St. Andrews (located 10KM north of Winnipeg) and is pursuing a life time dream of forming his own country. Mr. Zudban says, “Britamswyszan will be a peaceful sovereign nation under the dictatorship of one, me! I don’t need Mr. Harper to tell me what to do”.

Mr. Zudban claims that taxes in The City of Winnipeg are ridiculous for the services you receive. As an objective reporter I would have to agree, we pay more than double the property tax in Winnipeg, Manitoba than other similar sized cities in Canada (Maritimes don’t count… they never do).

At one point Zudban declared a Jihad on Winnipeg but could not get the necessary support from the predominantly Catholic residents. Father Stephen-Chris Marustowski supports Mr. Zudban’s cause but cannot authorize the use of violence without the Vatican’s approval, which probably would not be granted. Jihad’s are not easily obtained from the Vatican, the only thing harder to get the Vatican’s approval for is an exorcism. However Father Marustowski is very excited about opening a church/mission in the newly formed nation. “The more countries that we can convert the better!”

The Aboriginal community in Manitoba is outraged and is hoping for government intervention to prevent such a separation from Canada. Mr. Johnny Mongoose states, “dat der land is our land”. The assembly of Manitoba Chiefs will be looking closely at the outcome of this case.

Britamswyszan will be a unique nation. Multiple wives and gay unions will be allowed and there will be no interference from the local government. Life partners Scott Mill & Stephen Haruschak are very excited about this new country, Mill states, “I’d love to live in a country where my sexual preference is not decided by a government, our union will now be recognized.”.

Mr. Bob Zoutkooper is also excited, “me and my two wives can now live in peace”. Behavior as seen in the picture will be socially accepted in Britamswyszan.

Zudban is hoping for a peaceful separation but the use of force is not yet being ruled out.

The Septic Tank will be keeping a close eye on this issue and will provide an update when there is more information available.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

American Idol/President?

After five years of continued success and record number of viewers and voters the United States of America has decided to follow the same format as American Idol for the next presidential election.

Voter turnout in America is at its all time low. In the 2004 presidential election only 35% of eligible voters casted a vote, this is much lower than all other developed democratic countries. American Idol fans cast over 30,000,000 votes each week to vote for their favorite American Idol. President George W. Bush believes that using a reality TV show format will not only increase the popularity of voting but will also be entertaining.

President Bush states, “my party is hip with the young generation… rock on”.

As in American Idol each potential American President contestant will have to sing, be fashion conscious, mostly caucasian, and appeal to the young American voters.

American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe has agreed to produce the American President reality show. Lythgoe says, “this will be a great way for those who are less fortunate and do not have the social status they need in America to get into politics under the current system”.

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol show host) agrees with Lythgoe. “Not only will we have arenas filled with potential American Presidents but we will be able to make a bunch of unknown citizens famous”.

Unlike American Idol the top 10 American President hopefuls will all have jobs at the end of the show. Only one can be Commander and Chief but the nine remaining can fill vacant White House positions that are usually appointed by the President.

The public response to this new format has been nothing less than exceptional. Mr. Hank Duncan from rural North Dakota believes that all his sons have the potential to be President of the United States. Duncan states, “my boys are smart and good lookers too, you should hear little Frank sing the gospel”.

Producer Nigel Lythgoe has a few people in mind to judge the new American President. Names such as Conan O’Brian, Rob Schneider, Rev. Jessie Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Flavor Flav have been mentioned many times since the inception of the idea.

Flavor Flav says, “Bam! Dis show goin’ be awyite”.

With the continued success of American Idol this is a viable option for the presidency of America. Not only will you be tapping into the largest TV audience but the election will be available to be viewed internationally.

Verizon Wireless is also to gain from the new show. As with American Idol, Verizon Wireless has agreed to handle text messaging for the new voting format.

And remember… “If you don’t vote, your favorite contestant will be sent home. Seacrest out.” Ryan Seacrest

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Fabutan heats up in Africa

In the past Fabutan Suntan Studios has had to deal with a steady decline in business due the way North American society has viewed tanning. However because of the sun’s increase in harmful UV rays and rising skin cancer rates consumers are now seeking a safer way to have the beauty of the sun shining from their skin. Fabutan and other tanning salons have reported record profits in the last two years and with the market expansion over seas sales are expected to rise at a rapid rate.

The first Fabutan in Africa opened in Abuja,Nigeria last year and business is heating up. Local resident Habib Getachew says, “This is much better than sitting in the hot sun, not only do I not have to worry about cobras but I no longer have a loin cloth tan line. It’s liberating to be able to take off my loin cloth and soak up the sun.”

Other residents have also had positive experiences with the opening of Fabutan. Uchenna Nwakile claims that her sunglass hut/milk distribution center has been selling out of merchandise weekly since the opening of Fabutan. Nwakile say’s, “Fabutan good, USA number 1”.

Mr. John Smith owner of the African Fabutan says, “We anticipated success but not at the rate we are seeing”.

Mr. Smith says if all goes well most African countries will be standing in line for an eight minute tanning experience before the Christmas retail push.

Local resident Agantha Kunta-Aheenthya is glad that a Fabutan has opened up in her village. “After a long day of carrying water on my head nothing is more relaxing than catching a few rays. It makes me feel like a woman.”